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Brainiac 1

Oracle Files: Brainiac

Characters

Location

VOX Archive

  • Brainiac: One believes you humans have a term for moments such as these. Poetic justice? Dedicating years of your life to finding a way to rid your world of Superman and the very instrument which will enable you to perform such a feat will now be your own undoing. Or is that irony? One was never exactly clear on the distinct-
  • Lex Luthor: [pained grunt] I didn't come here to listen to you wax philosophic, Brainiac... Can you fix it?
  • Brainiac: Normally, Kryptonite's radiation is usually not harmful to your human physiology. One has never seen such effects caused by an unstimulated sample. Most interesting...
  • Lex Luthor: Can... you... fix...it?
  • Brainiac: Patience Mister Luthor... [digital scanners beeping and buzzing] One cannot rush science. One will need to do a biopsy for further analysis.
  • Lex Luthor: [coughing] How much are we talking abo- Yee-ow! Well, yeah, go ahead... A little sedative next time wouldn't hurt.
  • Brainiac: One has detected the Justice League's presence. We did not have time to consider your comfort to be relevant.
  • Lex Luthor: Oh, well... I guess we should get in character, huh? [deep breath, exhale] Okay, once or twice across the face. Make it look good but don't break my jaw or anything.
  • Brainiac: [whack, whack] One believes that should be sufficient for our needs, Luthor.
  • Lex Luthor: You think? [expletive], I can't see out of my left eye!
  • Brainiac: One assures you the blindness is temporary, Luthor... Now, cue Superman in three... two..
  • Superman: [crash, rubble falling, sigh] I can't believe I'm doing this... Brainiac, release Lex this instant.
  • Brainiac: Kal-El... I see you have arrived in your traditionally brutish manner. One must wonder if you have a distaste for using doors.
  • Superman: Release Luthor right now or I'll show you what brutish really means... [footsteps, cape rustling, grunt]
  • Brainiac: As intimidating as your threat sounds, one cannot help but feel underwhelmed seeing as you are literally powerless to enact such violence while I hold this in my hand.
  • Lex Luthor: [clears throat] Look out, Superman! He has Kryptonite!
  • Superman: [cough, thud, cough] Thanks for the warning, Lex...
  • Brainiac: Despite your distaste for one another, one knew that the All-American "Man of Steel" would be unable to let a presidential candidate kidnapping go unanswered.
  • Superman: Good thing I brought back-up then...
  • Brainiac: Oh, I know... Wonder Woman and Batman. The so-called "Trinity" of the Justice League. And while one would linger to trade blows, one has more urgent matters. Farewell.
  • [Boom Tube opening, Boom Tube closing, rushed footsteps, groans]
  • Wonder Woman: What's more urgent than killing you? I thought that's all Brainiac lived for... What's he up to?
  • Batman: Whatever it is, it can't be good...
  • Lex Luthor: So...Which one of you three fine Americans would like the honor of rescuing the next President of the United States? [overlapping footsteps] Guys? Hold on now! Hello?!

Trivia

  • Lex eventually wins the election and is the current president of the United States.
  • The story hints at Lex having cancer due to being exposed for so long to Kryptonite.
  • The secret origin of Brainiac's name:
    • Batman: Who is this guy? He mentioned Krypton. Is he with you?
    • Superman: He is a hyper-intelligent computer from Krypton. The reason for its destruction actually.
    • Robin: Cool! Can I give him a name?
    • Batgirl: No, you cannot.
    • Supergirl: Yeah, because it already has one.
    • Robin: Oh?
    • Supergirl: My parents, uh, sort of created it. They named it Vril-Dox. It means Know-It-All in Kryptonian.
    • Robin: I don't want to call him that... Know-It-All ain't catchy.
    • Supergirl: Does a maniacal computer need a catchy name on this planet?
    • Robin: Oh, I know... the Brain!
    • Batgirl: Uh, taken...
    • Robin: Shucks... Oh! Brainiac! Y'know, like maniac mixed with brain.
    • Batgirl: (scoff) That'll never catch on, twerp.

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